Friday, February 14, 2014

News of the Day: Animal Edition

Once again, we take a moment to consider some of the most timely and important news items from the strange, allegedly wonderful world in which we live.  This time, however, we turn our attention to the activities of the animal kingdom, and eschew the follies and frailties of mere men and women.  Why, we ask, must we concentrate solely on our own species?  Is this blog species-ist?  I trow not!

1.  At the Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City, Utah, Eli the Ape correctly predicted the winner of the 2014 Super Bowl, several days before the event.  Eli, who is a mere 13 years old, has correctly predicted the winner of the Super Bowl for the past six years, thus demonstrating an intelligence and analytical ability not shared by most fans of the game.

2.  A seven year old giraffe named Marius was granted a stay of execution by officials of the Jyllands Park Zoo in Denmark.  The bloodthirsty zookeepers had previously announced that Marius would be killed in order to make room for a new female giraffe.  Fortunately, the female giraffe has not been acquired, and the plaintive cries and protests of giraffes worldwide were heard.  Observers speculate, however, that the fiendish zookeepers might change their minds, especially inasmuch as an 18 month old giraffe was recently killed and fed to the lions at the nearby Copenhagen Zoo.  Apparently, giraffe overpopulation is a problem taken much more seriously in northern Europe than Muslim immigration.

3.  A litter of four kittens, having broken in to the maximum security Great Meadows Correctional Facility in Fort Ann, New York, have triumphed over prison regulations and been adopted by both staff and inmates.  The four taffy-colored ferals have become much beloved of this ordinarily cruel environment, with veterinary care being provided by an outside benefactor.  It is not yet clear whether PETA or the ACLU will sue the prison for wrongful confinement.

4.  A 55 year old rabbit hunter in Digby County, Nova Scotia, was viciously attacked by a crazed owl as he checked his traps one night this week. "I kind of looked up at it jokingly and said to it, 'You bugger, you better not be eating my rabbits,'" recounted Kevin O'Neil.  A moment later, he said, "it swooped down and struck me right in the face. Feet first." O'Neil was treated for minor injuries by his wife, and the feathered sociopath escaped into the darkness.

5.  At the National Zoo and Aquarium in Canberra, Australia, greedy capitalist zookeepers are callously selling off the paintings of meerkat artists Makena, Sekai and Mbali.  Long known in meerkat art circles for their avant-garde stylings, the artists' work is now being confiscated and sold to the highest bidder, with no profit going to the animals themselves.  One hopes that this ruthless exploitation will not cause the artists to enter a Blue Period.

6.  It has been discovered that crocodiles can climb trees.  Those who believe in Darwinian evolution are breathlessly speculating what this might portend for a future species of airborne crocodiles.

7.  In a related development, a pair of baby albino alligators has been purchased by an aquarium in Paris, from a reptile collector in Florida.  The two youngsters (about a year old) are among only 30 such alligators known to exist; they cannot survive in the wild, and must be cared for in captivity.  Speculation regarding reproduction is premature, however; the alligators are so young that their sex can't yet be determined.

"I love Paris in the springtime...."

8.  An escaped camel was captured in northern Los Angeles County, California, after repeated complaints that it was chasing cars. Had the fleet-footed beast been loping through the streets of Hollywood, it probably wouldn't have been noticed.

9.  Sad news on the political front.  Hank, a Maine Coon Cat who ran for the United States Senate from Virginia in 2012, and who actually came in third in the race, has died.  Hank's campaign was dismissed by some as a prank, but Virginia's dogs took it seriously enough to create their own attack advertisement:


10.  In Rome, the Baalite imposter calling himself Pope Francis, who regularly says public "prayers" for animals, while neglecting to preach the Gospel of Jesus Christ to the world's human population, recently conferred his "apostolic blessings" on a parrot owned by Francesco Lombardi.  Signore Lombardi, a former male stripper, is now a star in pornographic films.  While the parrot is not to be blamed for his owner's occupation, it further illuminates the Pope's steadfast refusal to express disapproval of atheists, homosexuals, or, one presumes, anybody else.  Thus the ghastly antics of the Roman Catholic hierarchy continue, while the parishioners sit in darkness.

1 comment:

  1. I can't say I was familiar with any of those stories. Very interesting, although what the Baalite imposter was trying to accomplish, I'll never know.

    Just remember: animals are people too! (insert laughing smiley here)