Tuesday, November 26, 2013

News of the Day, 11.26.13

In our never-ending quest to keep our reader apprised of the most significant items in the current news, we here offer our latest installment of "News of the Day."  These are the stories without which no citizen can consider himself or herself truly well-informed.  Draw nigh, and consider the world in which we live.

1. After so many trials and travails, the metropolitan New York City area is once again being invaded by evil-intentioned outlanders.  In this latest case, the offenders are flocks of wild turkeys, which have been terrorizing the citizenry from Staten Island to lower Manhattan.  (Similar invasions have occurred in Brookline, Massachusetts and Glendale, Wisconsin, where these dreadful feathered pests harassed and traumatized a group of schoolchildren.)  Naturally, the brave people of New York are not taking this threat lightly, and are resorting the extreme remedies.  According to the Associated Press:

"'We don't want to kill them. We just want them to leave us alone,' says Barbara Laing, who watched as at least 50 turkeys converged outside her house around sundown one recent evening with a chorus of honks — their own and those of drivers futilely trying to shoo them out of traffic.The turkeys milled on the grass, flew up like cartoon ghosts into a large maple tree, and settled in for the night. It's a sight that charms onlookers and sometimes residents, when the turkeys aren't fouling yards with droppings, devouring gardens, waking up residents with raucous pre-dawn mating sessions, and utterly disregarding dogs and other supposed deterrents.'They really are a beautiful bird ... but they ruined our property,"' says Laing's sister and next-door neighbor, Mary Jane Froese."

2.  In a related story, Minneapolis Dr. Happy Thanksgiving Reynolds, a family practice physician, is preparing to celebrate her birthday.  She was born on the American Thanksgiving Day 43 years ago, she explains, and "I was the child of hippies."  We believe it.

3.  After 31 years of service on the police force in Starkville, Mississippi, and three years of retirement, the long-suffering John Outlaw has been appointed Acting Police Chief after the ouster of former Chief David Lindley.  Lindley's shortcomings have not been divulged in the public prints, but Chief Outlaw is hoping for a brief and peaceful administration.

4. That latest official painting of the Danish royal family, which took artist Thomas Kluge four years to produce, has been roundly denounced as "creepy" by critics and public alike, many of whom claim that it resembles a poster for a horror movie.  Regardless, the painting will hang in the Amalienborg Museum, along with Kluge's other paintings.  Judge for yourself:

5.  In Holly Township, Michigan, the wily and elusive Dolly Llama has been captured without injury.  Ms. Kathy Kuzma, who named the creature after noticing it lurking around her property for six months, enlisted the aid of Lisa Davenport, who owns several llamas in a nearby township but was unacquainted with Dolly, to adopt and care for the wandering beast.

No relation

6. In Montana, the popular Ambrose Trail on Mount Helena is open again after being rerouted to bypass a fence put up by a landowner.

7. Ms. Asma Khan, 22, a three year employee of the Meadowood Mall in Reno, Nevada, has started an online petition protesting the new policy of Meadowood (and other malls) to open on Thanksgiving Day, instead of waiting for the dreaded "Black Friday" crush of shoppers that begins at midnight on Nov. 29. Holiday shoppers have to think of others who work that day,” said Ms. Khan. “If I were to lose my job, it wouldn’t affect me. I can just find another,” said the criminal justice major at the University of Nevada, Reno. “But I’m giving a voice to those who can’t speak out for fear of getting fired.” Ms. Khan's petition can be found here.

8.  One of the latest trends sweeping the ranks of high school and college girls is the so-called "Cotton Ball Diet." This dubious attempt to obtain a thin, waif-like figure involves soaking cotton balls in orange juice (or some other kind of lo-cal sweetener) and eating them, in lieu of a meal.  Theoretically, this keeps the calories at bay; in practice, doctors warn that it can cause severe problems, from malnutrition to unmentionable digestive disorders.  Without passing judgment on these young women, one might comment that they need look no further than between their ears to find all the cotton they need.

10.  In Rome, Jorge Mario Bergoglio, alias Pope Francis, has continued in the tradition of his sub-Christian predecessors by publicly exhibiting, for the first time in history, what are purported to be a few of the bones of the Apostle Peter, claimed by the Roman Catholic Church to have been "the first Pope."  Despite the fact that there is not a hint in the Bible that Peter ever even visited Rome, this preposterous myth has persisted through the ages, despite the fact that one of the Roman Pontiff's titles is "Bishop of Rome."  The handful of small bones were found in a shoebox in 1939, and were declared to be those of Peter by Pope Paul VI in 1968. Thus, Pope Francis is now re-introducing the practice of the veneration of "relics," just as earlier this year he offered "indulgences" to young Catholics who followed his Twitter account.  Scientists, including some within the Jesuit order, have scoffed at the idea that these bones belonged to the Apostle, but Rome has never let facts or truth stand in the way of dazzling the suckers.  The antics of the Roman Catholic heirarchy (not the pew-sitters) would shame a Muslim, if a Muslim could be shamed.


  1. 'Tis an interesting world we live in....

    That painting of the Danish royal family is rather reminiscent of the Addams family, don't you think?

  2. Yes. Or something worse ... far, far worse.