1. In Dania Beach, Florida, a dog travelled five miles while trapped under the hood of a car. The animal had become lodged between the automobile's axle and steering mechanism, and the driver was apparently unaware of its plight as he sped down the road from Hallendale Beach. Broward County firefighters were alerted and rescued the dog, who sustained no injuries, but was severely traumatized. The dog's name has not been released, pending notification of next of kin.
2. The Hostess Company, recently rescued from bankruptcy in a corporate buyout, has announced that it will begin shipping frozen Twinkies when the beloved sponge-like treats return to retail outlets this month. The fear and consternation caused by this revelation was only slightly assuaged by company spokesperson Hannah Arnold, who snarled, "Any suggestion that Hostess is changing the integrity of the iconic snack cakes consumers have loved is completely untrue." Twinkie fanciers have expressed skepticism, and a statement from the Obama administration is not unlikely.
3. Cassandra Struve, a 26 year old "street performer," was angrily assaulted by three African-American women as she played the song "Minnie the Moocher" on her saxophone near a community festival in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. The attackers expressed the opinion that a white person should not play the song, presumably because it is associated with the late Cab Calloway, who was not white.
4. In a genuinely heroic effort to quit smoking, Ibrahim Yücel of Kütahya, Turkey, has begun wearing a steel cage on his head when he goes to work in the morning. Ibraham, who has been smoking for 26 of his 42 years, leaves the keys to the cage with his wife and teenage daughter, who support his decision.
5. Travis LaBarge of Tupper Lake, New York, is reassessing his commitment to the environment, after a compost pile spontaneously burst into flames, setting his nearby house on fire. The blaze, which lasted for three hours, required the attention of three fire trucks and 37 firefighters, but the house was totally destroyed despite their efforts.
6. In the latest example of welfare state profligacy, Britain's Royal Mint announced that it will give 2,013 specially-made silver pennies to infants born on the same day as the child of Kate Middleton, the Duchess of Claridge and wife of Prince William. The newest Royal is expected to enter the world this month.
7. A proposed nine story residential center near the town hall in Dundas, Ontario, will, if built according to plan, require a zoning variance.
8. The practice of infusing fruit into alcoholic beverages may soon be illegal in the state of Tennessee. Unless the beverages are consumed immediately, that is. Barflies and drunkards in Tennessee are indignant over the new regulations. Nobody else cares.
9. "El Burro Chon," a four year old donkey, has been nominated to run for Mayor of Juarez, Mexico. Chon's nomination is seen as a sign of citizen dissatisfaction with the existing choice of candidates.
10. Not one, but two anti-Christian imposters have now been cleared for official "canonization" as "saints" by the current Antichrist (1 John 2:18), Jorge Mario Bergoglio, alias "Pope Francis." The two latest "saints," to whom Catholics will address the prayers and honor due to God alone, will be Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli, alias Pope John XXIII (1881-1963), and Karol Wotyjla, alias Pope John Paul II (1920-2005). Both men, according to the Roman Catholic Church, have performed miracles since their deaths, and are worthy of worship.
I'd just as soon worship El Burro Chon.