Friday, June 21, 2013

News of the Day, 6.21.13

Once again, although this is not a news blog, it seems appropriate to take note of certain items of interest.  Not the manifold scandals involving the Internal Revenue Service, the National Security Agency, or the Benghazi Embassy attack; those are continuing stories which are better covered elsewhere, in unending detail.  Rather, let us focus our attention on some of the truly significant stories that have gotten lost in the journalistic shuffle:

1. In Brooklyn, New York, one-year-old Dillon Miller, whose less than diligent parents were otherwise occupied, crawled out the window of the family's second-story apartment onto the awning of a frozen yogurt shop, and rolled to the edge, where he clung to the awning for dear life before losing his grip and falling.  By the grace of God, he fell directly into the outstretched arms of Cristina Torre, 44, daughter of legendary baseball manager Joe Torre. It is unknown whether Ms. Torre inherited her skill from her father, who had been a catcher for the Braves, Cardinals, and Mets; but, in any case, young Dillon was unharmed, although understandably disgruntled.  His parents, Sam Miller (23) and Tiffany Demetria (24), were subsequently arrested for child endangerment.  Maybe Ms. Torre would like to adopt....

Player of the Week
2. Residents of the Village of Lewiston, a suburb of Niagara Falls, New York, are outraged by the Village Board of Trustees' refusal to assume responsibility for snow removal and road maintenance on Primrose Lane. "This is a complex situation," commented Mayor Terry Colesano, his eyes darting about nervously.

3. Simon Parkes, Labour Councillor for the Stakesby on Whitby (U.K.) Town Council, is claiming that his marriage is undergoing stress due to his ongoing affair with an alien named Cat Queen.  Although the relationship has been going on for years, things became particularly problematic when Cat Queen gave birth to their half-human, half-alien child Zarka. “It’s a personal matter and it doesn’t affect my work," says Parkes. "I’m more interested in fixing someone’s leaking roof or potholes. People don’t want me to talk about aliens."  One might speculate that Parkes' Labour Party really doesn't want to talk about them.  Cat Queen has been unavailable for comment.

4. In Houston, Texas, three armed burglars locked the sole occupant of the house in a closet, then proceeded with their leisurely pillage of the house.  A few minutes later, the resident escaped from the closet, which doubled as his gun cabinet, and opened fire on the "home intruders."  He has not been charged with any crime.

5. In a study conducted by the prestigious Public Policy Polling for National Geographic,  52% of those surveyed said that they preferred dogs to cats; 21% preferred cats; and 18% expressed a desire to own a pet dinosaur.
6. Senior relief pitcher Eric Ruth of the Winthrop University Eagles (Rock Hill, South Carolina) has been signed as a free agent with the New York Yankees, and has reported to the Yankees' farm club in Tampa, Florida.

7.  A stork escaped from the San Diego Zoo.
8. In Cornwall, England, a man wearing a see-through mask robbed  a convenience store/petrol station.  He was apprehended within 48 hours, and sentenced to two years in prison.

The Napoleon of Crime

9. Lily's China Bistro of Carson City, Nevada, scored 100 points on its most recent health inspection.

10.  In Rome, a Baalite imposter, who died in 2005, is on the verge of being officially declared a "saint" by the Roman Catholic Church.  According to RCC sources, the late Karol Wojtyla, alias Pope John Paul II, has now performed two miracles in response to the prayers of those gullible enough to pray to him. This makes him eligible for "canonization," after which he will be a "saint" worthy of the reverence and adoration that, in the Bible, is reserved for God alone.  Vatican sources remain curiously silent on the fact that, in the New Testament, every man or woman who has received Jesus Christ according to John 1:12 is already a saint; nor have the Romans emphasized 1 Timothy 2:5: For there is one God, and one mediator between God and men, the man Christ Jesus.  Wojtyla's elevation to the status of official idol could come as early as autumn of this year.

"Worship me now!"


  1. Fun and fascinating addition to your blog, thanks!

  2. Very informative! Good for a laugh, as well: especially point #10.